Mood Ring - Schmood Ring. We have apps for that now

I remember getting my first mood ring from Spencer's and monitoring it constantly to determine my exact mood  at any given moment.  It was very mysterious and magical to me and I thought I was super cool.

This generation of kids don't DO mood rings, they do mood apps. Right before Blondie maxed out my internet data usage for the month, she downloaded an app that will scan your fingertip on the Nook screen and tell you how you are feeling. It's pretty damn accurate. The first time she scanned my finger I was on the phone with 'Mater who was informing me that he wasn't going to be home until 11pm and lo and behold, my scan came back 'angry'.

The children thought that was hysterical. So hysterical that they scanned every single living being in the house, to include the animals. They started with the cat. Oliver, my 20lb mountain lion, read as 'embarrassed'.  I mean, cats do prefer to be mysterious and I'm sure they don't appreciate their mood being broadcasted .

 Coco started off as 'good', which wasn't enough for the kids so they scanned her again. That made Coco 'happy' because she likes attention. The children were excited they got a different read so they scanned her again. At this point, Coco had two hyper children leaning over her, the cat watching her (and judging) and the other dog standing over her staring. Not surprising that Coco's next read came back as 'overwhelmed'.

This just left Wyatt, who's mood read as 'suspicious', and was well warranted, because this is what the kids did to him not 12 hours later. A crown and a cape. Mood?  Embarrassed. 

I'll admit, I'm going to download this app to my phone. It's fun to see 'smug' show as the mood when you've just beat out everyone in the house in a game of MarioKart. 

Shooting off the mouth for 4th of July!

I've been threatening the children that I will shake them if they don't behave. I'm joking and they 100% know that. Boy Child specifically ASKS me if I can hang him by his toes. So, clearly, they don't feel intimated by my threats. 

However, there are some people that wouldn't immediately understand that I'm joking. Like, say, ooh, most adults out in public.  So I don't say those things to the children in public. Boy Child missed the memo though about what we say in our house doesn't have to repeated in public.

Fourth of July. We are parked by the Food Lion parking lot with, what I assume, was most of the county's residents.  

Boy Child is bored waiting for the fireworks show to begin, which means he expects me to entertain him.  

It was about 95 degrees with 100% humidity and I really wasn't in the mood to wrestle with him so Boy Child screams out "WELL!!!! Why don't you just shake me then? You are always saying you're going to do it!"  

Did I mention that half of the county was parked next to us?  And that there was a lull in the general chaos ensuing around us when he decided to yell this out?  And that no less than 25 pair of eyes looked directly at me...and Then. They. All. Looked. Away...

I think we were shunned.

Lost in Translation

I have a tendency to use multi-syllable  words when I speak. I've loved words ever since my 4th grade teacher started teaching us words such  as 'decrepit' and 'appalled'.  My mother used to get a kick out of it when my  nine-year-old self  would say things out in public like "I'm just appalled that your socks don't match your shirt, Mom!".

Now that I'm hanging out with my nine-year-old step-daughter and six-year-old step-son,  I never quite know which words they understand and which ones I need to explain. For example, when I said "Don't maim your sister" after Boy Child tried to jam a pencil into her leg, should I explain what maim means?  Answer - yes; furthermore, Boy Child loved the description of maim.

Boy Child has also been running around the house calling his sister "Infidel" in an Achmed the Dead Terrorist voice. 'Mater asked him if he knew what that word meant.

Boy Child's answer, complete with his hands on his hips:  Lookie here! Every word I'm saying, I'm learning! All my friends know that. Duh!

Too true, Boy Child.

Since I fully support filling his little sponge brain, I've now added annihilate and Zone of Terror to his vocabulary.

I wonder how his mom is going to feel when Boy Child yells out "You're in my Zone of Terror, Infidel! Prepare to be annihilated!" 

I bet proud, yes?

Role Playing at the dinner table

We had a family dinner the other night. 

I cooked my Famous bacon wrapped chicken with red beans and rice. 

It is delicious and the kids always love it because Bacon, People! Bacon!

During dinner, Boy Child decided we should portray the personalities of everyone else.

He was me. This is what he said:

     Go Outside!

     Use Your Imagination!

     Why aren't you using your imagination?

     Why aren't you outside using your imagination?!

So ironic that he can parrot everything I say to him but can't actually manage to do any of those things. ***Sigh***

I win at Pinterest!

This is Week 3 of the kid's stay and the newness of the Great Outdoors has worn off. So has TV, books, Nintendo DS, Wii, the dogs, the cats, coloring, me, and anything else that they could possibly entertain themselves with.

Being a good soldier and believing in preparedness, I had numerous arts and crafts projects lined up for us.   (Many kudos to my mom who had to parent before the internet)

I spent about $50 on some essentials like glue,  a shower curtain to put over the table, glass beads, and paint brushes, but most everything was either trash I had saved (egg cartons, plastic bottles, beer caps) or kitchen items.

Here's what we've accomplished so far:

A Nod to the 60's - Homemade Lava lamps:

Water, oil, food coloring and drop an Alka Seltzer in it and watch it go baby!

3-D flowers  

 Made from boxes, egg cartons, construction paper, and bottle caps (this was one of my favorites and now sits in my office)

Poems!

 The kids LOVED this one:

I had a hardcover book that was awful so that I decided to cut the pages out of it so we could color around words to make poems.

Sharpie Art with Dollar Store Plates

Bake for 30 minutes and it's permanent 

Initial Art

They painted they letters and glued the glass beads to it

Bouncy Balls

Made from corn starch, Borax, glue and food coloring. Big hit with the kiddos. 

I still have a couple more tricks up my sleeve but I'm pretty happy with our projects so far!

Happy crafting

Is 11am too early to talk about Mortality? Because it sure feels like it.

My neighbor just got a new puppy this weekend.  

A Pomeranian/Chihuahua mix that looks like a little fluffy fox, similar to this:  

It's off-the-charts cute and an amazing kid magnet.  Not even 24 hours after getting the puppy my kiddos were over at the neighbors house toting the dog around.   It's like they can sense cute and must partake in it. But then comes the Want Factor. 

Around 11 am today, Boy Child asked me when it was going to be 4 o'clock because that's when the neighbors could play again.  I told him he had a good five hours before that happened. 

Boy Child let out a huge, dramatic sigh, put his elbows on the table, rested his head in his hands and said, "I wish we could get a puppy."

Me: You have a puppy in Florida.  

Boy Child:  But we need a puppy here. This summer!

Me: Um, we can't have a puppy because we have two dogs already.

Boy Child: When one of them dies can we?

Me: Geez. I don't want my dogs to die!

Boy Child: No - not wish them to die, but when they die of natural causes...then can we get a puppy?

Me:  I think you need to lay off watching so much Animal Planet. You're six. You shouldn't even know what 'natural causes' means. 

But seriously, he's six and the fact that he can reason out a response like that to 'solve the problem' has me thinking that this kid is going to be dancing circles around me in a few years. *Sigh*

Gatorade - Instant Pee Maker!

Last summer,  I became a pro reasonably adept at being able to handle road trips and day-to-day activities with the kids.  I knew the  steps that had to be completed before we could leave the house on time and I knew all of the retorts to the 8,999 requests that I would hear before we left the house.  I learned how to say no without feeling guilt ridden and how to tell when an argument was brewing that would require adult intervention. I tell you, I thought I had this mom stuff down pat.  But that was last summer.   And if you don't use it, you lose it.  All that hard earned kid knowledge...just out the window.

I made my first tactical error within the first hour of our road trip from SC to VA: 

              

  I handed them the 32 oz bottle of Gatorade that 'Mater (their Dad) asked me to                 buy for them.  

I figured it would be easier to give it to them immediately rather than fielding unending requests  "for a sip". Man, am I dumb sometimes.  A 32oz bottle of gatorade will hydrate the bejesus out a child. In exactly one hour.  They drank that bottle so fast I'm thinking of putting them into a chugging contest at college, any college, and I know that they will walk away undisputed champs.

I am convinced, gatorade or not, that any open, desolate stretch of road will trigger a child's bladder.  This interesting biological phenomenon has forced us  to use gas stations that I would normally only consider stopping at if I couldn't find a tree to hide behind and didn't have a scrap of a paper napkin.

You know those gas stations. The ones that offer Live Bait! Fireworks!! T-shirts!!!!  Hermit CRABS!!!!! and where the locals hang out, smoking cigarettes in the store. So, not only do I have to contend with the cigarette smoking locals staring at us  as we maneuver through the aisles of cheap Chinese made toys and whatnots,  we have to now wade through aisles of crap that is simply irresistible to kids. Ooohh can I get this?  Want. want. want...ugh.

On this trip, we were lucky enough to be able to stop at the infamous  South of the Border.  Oh. My. God. What a dump. I felt as if I was in the Griswold Family Vacation movie to Wally World.  It has certainly lost its childhood luster for me. But they had bathrooms and the kids eyeballs were starting to float so we ignored the trash blowing around the joint and the weird smell and made our way to the bathrooms.

Blondie ended up in the stall next to me and after a few seconds I hear her little voice float over to me and say, "Ms. Allison, what does M-A-N-E-A-T-E-R spell?"

"Um, maneater....why?" 

"There's a picture of a shark with a person in its mouth on my door and that's written above it."

It could have been worse. Way worse.  I'll let you use your imagination because, lord knows, I had some vivid, x-rated imagery running through my mind.  It was easier when they couldn't read, mainly because I still don't know how to answer the question "What does it mean 'call Sherry for a good time'?"

The next gas station we stopped at had no paper towels, a broken sink, and permanent yellow stains in the toilet, but, as Blondie so succinctly put it:  At least it didn't have writing on the wall. 

Amen to that sista'. 

A List of Things I Can't Be Trusted Around: (An early April Fool's Guide)

April Fool's Day is coming up and I haven't planned a huge joke in a couple of years. I'm getting withdrawals.

I am a mischievousness person.  I've been this way since childhood - pranks, tricks, scaring people - if I'm not scheming on some joke to play the excess energy builds up and I can't focus on the important stuff, like work, paying bills, or generally all of the super-fun adult activities.

Most of my friends are aware of this personality trait and take preventative measures to keep me from 'getting them'.  

To further help public awareness, I've compiled a list of stuff I shouldn't be left alone with. This is in no way all  inclusive.  A girl's got to have some secrets.

1. Cell phones - I will post to your Facebook account. No, I don't care that your Mom is one of your friends, but I will keep my mischievousness  classy.

2. Puzzles - within moments of sitting down I will locate the piece you've spent 10 minutes searching for and will put it in its correct spot. Left long enough with the puzzle, I will finish it.

3. Wallets - I will reorganize all of your credit cards into categories. This actually benefits you because, once you learn my system, you will notice how much more quickly you can retrieve your cards.

4. Checkbooks - I will fill out a check to myself, usually in the amount of 1000 pesos. I will also fill in the memo section for you on several checks. The bank loves getting checks with "Dwarf tossing" written in the memo section.

5. Purses - If we are out eating and you leave your purse unattended, I will put silverware, sugar packets, bread, and/or napkins and/or anything else I can fit in there and not get in trouble for "stealing". You should probably check your purse because it's hard to get the sugar out of your purse once the packet breaks open.

6. An empty work desk with a pad of post-it notes - It's amazing how many things I will IMMEDIATELY have to share with you and it's so fortunate I now have access to 100 sheets of wee sticky paper. I will eventually buy you more post-it notes since I will use all of yours.  

And lastly, white boards, chalk boards, fridge magnets or anything that I can draw on. I particulary enjoy adding items to your grocery list: chicken breast, left side, no nipple. 

Well, I now feel relieved of responsibility and guilt for all of the future shenanigans I have planned.